i am not ready

Stirring in the night, a tortured soul. Pain, heavy chest, broken cries. Weariest eyes, endurance, only just persevering. You tell me you can’t much longer. ‘Please’ I whisper. I am not ready.

A look. A thousand words within it. A deep breath, cracks my heart and twists my lungs. I plead with the clock- be my friend today. Make this moment last. A look. I know it can’t.

Quivering lip, gentle touches. ‘It is okay’. Lies bring comfort. Let us dream now, dream always. Time is ours here, we are forever. Infinite beings, no disease, no problems.

Then the moment when they take you away. But you are mine, I am yours, you belong somewhere. How will you find me? How will I breathe? How will I be, when I am not ready?

 

‘I am ready, let me go’.

Letter #1

To you,

It has taken endless sleepless nights and one smell of your cologne on another for me to write this.

Just like a river, my feelings for you flow far into the horizon, gracefully down the stream. It looks like it stops there, but, my darling, it doesn’t. It continues down, through a grove of trees, through a meadow, though an arid desert. It flows, eternally. Anything you place there, flows with the river, encircling us, keeping us from harm. The arms of the river, were built to hold you. It’s heart, to feed you. Its banks, to kiss you.

I, owner of the tormented heart, have read and read and read all the poetry. Sung all the songs. Watched stars appear in a purple sky, and watched them disappear into a blue one. Picked at petals , dreamed those dreams. I am still famished at the thought of you, and this hunger weighs so heavy on me. I try and keep it so quiet, I am afraid it will bellow out.

There is this uneasiness, that I know so well. This feeling that creeps into my stomach and rests there like a lion in its den. Do I wake it? And hear you say those words I know you will say. Do I let you feast on my heart? My darling, if you are hungry, then eat. I will leave it sleep, because I am too weak to wander alone.

Like all the other letters, I will never show you this. For you to see my naked soul would kill me, because I know I would never see yours and that is all I wish.

So sleep for now and when you awaken, my love, let me down easy.

I would do the same for you.

Yours always,

I hate her: a poem for you

I hate her, I loathe her very existence.

The pain, the hurt, the trauma she caused.

How she kept you  up at night,

How she played with your precious heart

How she toyed with your trust

How she told you vicious lies.

The times when she would look at you in the eyes, kiss you so passionately and say

“It will never happen again”

And it did.

How did you ever endure it?

I hate her for every little thing she did to you.

How she made you question yourself

Your own worth.

How she could never rectify what she has killed within you.

Then again,

I love her

I love every bit of her,

I love her blind selfishness

Her narcissistic

Sociopathic behaviour.

Her empty promises,

Her cryptic affections,

Her warped love.

I am eternally grateful for her.

She lead you down the path,

to me.

And I love her,

Because you did.

-2018